


Sunflower (A letter that will not arrive)

by failingasafangirl



Series: Through the many seasons [1]
Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: AND THE CHARACTERS, Angst, But I will attempt to make the hurt justifiable, Hurt, I just want it to hurt, Idk really where i'm going with this, M/M, Unrequited Love, but its just seokmin falling, falling in love with your bestfriend, i swear to god im saving you in the next au sweetie, unrealistic expectations of love - well in someone's part, will change tags as I go
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-25
Updated: 2021-02-23
Packaged: 2021-03-04 23:07:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,767
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25164391
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/failingasafangirl/pseuds/failingasafangirl
Summary: "Everything seems simpler and more happy with you. I know-, um I know I'm kind of rushing all of this but I would just like to ask where do we stand?"Hao stared at Seokmin unseeingly. They were standing in the middle of the cereal aisle of the grocery, and nearby, an old woman was giving his son a lecture on the evils of sugar and fake advertising.Overhead, the grocery's sound system suddenly announced that it was 15 minutes till the store's closing time, yet still Minghao stayed rooted on the spot. It was getting concerning by the second, really.Seokmin wanted to approach him, hug his bestfriend and laugh his question off as a joke, but a part of him needed the answer. He had been needing the answer since Christmas."There is no we."
Relationships: Kim Mingyu/Xu Ming Hao | The8, Lee Seokmin | DK/Xu Ming Hao | The8
Series: Through the many seasons [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1822987
Comments: 3
Kudos: 13





	1. We always fall

**Author's Note:**

> I know I should not be writing this. I love these people to the bottom of my heart and soul and I only want all the happiness in the world for them.
> 
> But yeah, here I am, still writing this.
> 
> It will get better. I think. If the series pushes on as planned, everything will get better.
> 
> The tags and characters are up for change (I think?) . But for now, let's stick to that. Unbetaed and will probably contain a lot of mistakes, so so sorry in advance! It's been years since I wrote. Also, I'm going to lose my mind over tenses, send hELP. (Please do tell me your thoughts! Would absolutely love to here them uwu)

“Someone can be madly in love with you and still not be ready. They can love you in a way you have never been loved and still not join you on the bridge. And whatever their reasons you must leave. Because you never ever have to inspire anyone to meet you on the bridge. You never ever have to convince someone to do the work to be ready. There is more extraordinary love, more love that you have never seen, out here in this wide and wild universe. And there is the love that will be ready.”

— Nayyirah Waheed

"Doesn't that look cool?”  


“It looks like its spinning globe, but not really-“  


“-and look! Over there-,”  


Seokmin stopped mid-rant about the art display situated in the center of the room, whipping his head back to look at his best friend who was too busy fumbling with his disposable camera. He wanted to pout and grumble about the lack of attention he was getting, but seeing Minghao struggle with his phone, the camera, his notepad and pencil all the while holding Seokmin’s gloves, all the childish angry energy suddenly disappeared.  


Even like this, distracted and struggling, Hao was pretty. And adorable. And like a struggling kitten that begged and demanded all the hugs in the world.  


Of course, he would never say those thoughts to his face. He did not want to get decked, no thank you, but he just could not help it.  


“You are literally treating me like some Instagram boyfriend Seokmin and I’m tired of this treatment, and NO! -” Hao whisper-shouted, “you pouting at me and pretending to be some soft church boy will not work. Now help me carry these things and let me do my project in peace.”  


There it was again. Grumpy Hao and that grumpy face and that whiny lilt in his voice, and Seokmin truly did want to scream at Hao AND smack him. Anything really for the other to feel this heady and painful feeling of affection so strong that sat on his chest every time he stared at him.  


‘You’re so so stupid, I did tell you to bring a bag, you know – the blue cross body one that I got you for your birthday? Then you wouldn’t even have to bring around all these things for you like a struggling literal toddler with his toys.” He laughed as he got some of the things that Hao was holding on to, all the while realizing just how domestic he sounded just now. He felt the heat on his cheeks and lowered his head, hoping that Minghao was too busy thinking of some snappy comeback.  


He only heard angry mutterings as a reply, and the rest of the hour was spent with them roaming aimlessly in the many halls and levels of the museum, not even following the museum guide at this point. The whole thing was just Minghao staring at the pieces with murderous intent while scribbling madly into his notepad, taking a few pictures in between rooms, and swatting away Seokmin’s grabby hands that were pestering him for affection or some boyfriend-ie moves.  


Seokmin of course snuck in taking candid photos here and there when he knew that the other was too busy to even think of looking. And he knew that anyone who could see him now could plainly see just how whipped he was. He had been feeling like he was being too much, that his actions were telling too much, that he was being too transparent with what he was feeling and for once, he did not give a damn. He had been doing this for years now, hoping that Minghao would notice how he felt, or just feel like his affection was so much more than their ‘we’ve-seen-each-other-grow-of-course-I-love-him’ level of friendship and affection. That maybe his feelings would bleed into Hao, and maybe, just maybe he did not need to voice out his feelings. Just like in those pretty movies with too cheesy soundtracks.  


Of course, Minghao never did. Notice. He took the affection and the grabby moves and awkward attempts of flirting as just practice, like he was giving Seokmin free reign in using him as a practice piece for his flirting for him to apply it on a real person, in a real relationship. Or that is was a joke, and that it was just how their friendship really was, Seokmin being kind and awkward flirty and Minghao taking it all that with exasperation and acceptance on a good day, and with hard swats to the arm on bad ones.  


The sudden sea of green got Seokmin’s attention as they turned to another corner of the hall, and the sight that greeted them was so pure and beautiful. They had finally arrived in the glass balcony of the top floor, and what greeted them ahead was the open side of a mountain in all its dewy beauty just after a hard hour of rain. And below, the garden that the museum oh so boasted was in its full glory, looking so alive and green with its riot of colors from the different rows of artfully arranged beds of flowers and trellises. Seokmin’s hyperactive mind suddenly played the song of the Beauty and the Beast with just how pretty and fitting the sight was for it.  


He looked over to Hao, knowing just how much he loved sights like this, and suddenly, he felt like his axis went off-kilter.  


Happiness looked so beautiful on Minghao, it smoothed down every angry and critical wrinkle on this face and left a small smile that did quite a number to his heart. Seokmin could practically feel his pleasure at being surrounded by so much nature and seeing him so happy just brought the same heavy feeling of such strong affection again that he had to stop and thump his chest a couple of times. Hao looked at him with concern after the fifth loud thump, and he had to shake his concern off with an embarrassed laugh.  


The next few minutes were of Minghao almost risking his neck off the damn balcony, trying to get as many insta-like pictures of the garden, the mountain and the whole greenery happening in front of him. He could safely say that the number of pictures that Hao had gotten inside the museum equaled those he had taken at that moment and it made him almost laugh. They really needed this more, the tranquility and wild beauty of nature and to be just away from all that academic stress hounding at their every moment. Minghao’s pleasure and the gradual feeling of losing that stressed edge was getting to him, and for a second, he felt the sudden feeling of finally being able to breathe deep and without worry.  


“We should really do this more often. Not the project,” Seokmin says hastily at the little judgemental look that Hao throws his way,” I meant going out. Going to museums. Heck maybe even the botanical garden that they just opened. Let us not always mix business with pleasure,” he ended with a sheepish smile.  


“Hmm, seems like a date.”  


The affection is blooming like a riotous flower in his chest at that sentence, and Seokmin could only pray that he was not as red as the roses in the garden below.


	2. What a Feeling

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oof. Hello hello. Let me know your thoughts?

Seokmin futilely shook the cold from his hands, slowly turning his head to look at the pink-cheeked Minghao beside him, the other’s nose a bit runny due to the level of cold. They were outside, trying to look for Hao’s favorite tea drink to boost his spirits and for his own pizza pocket, his current die-all, need-all obsession. 

The reason that they were even out in this weather (they could afford to have the food and even dinner delivered right now, they weren't that level of broke-broke thank God) was because Minghao wanted to walk around, saying it seemed like a good evening to have a walk to the nearest convenience store. He hated himself for saying yes to that, the hopeless romantic (and whipped) part of him imagining them walking side by side, shoulders touching while talking in hushed tones to the store.

But the current Minghao was stomping his feet to stave off the cold, a few feet away from him and right under the streetlights. He had tried to approach him to offer his jacket because the idiot went out in just a black tank top and joggers (no care for the cold really) but one ice-cold look directed from him made him immediately stop from offering.

“You are the one who has exams in the next few days, Lee Seokmin. You can’t afford to be sick.”

Damn, he just wanted to be a knight in shining armor, but the offer instead turned him into a blushing idiot. He was so thankful for being away from the light, so Hao could not see his pink cheeks that had nothing to do with the cold. And also, so the other couldn’t see him giving long glances to his silhouette under the lights, the vibe and imagine looking straight out of an angst heavy romantic film.

It was breaking his mind, that everything he saw in Hao, no matter how simple and so stupid it was, was always seen through rose-tinted glasses. It was especially bad now since it had been a while since they last saw each other due to life and everything catching up to them. The fact that they were even out right now is a tiny bit stupid, with Hao’s plate deadlines and his exams that seem to be never-ending that week.

But again, there he was, flattered. Happy. Feeling so idiotically happy to even have time with Minghao.

Was it time to confess? Every time he took a rest from his work during their hiatus of not seeing each other, he would close his eyes and remember something small and endearing about Minghao. In the last month, it had been a different level of hell. Seeing him everywhere in his mind, thinking about what the other was doing, remembering the tiniest details about him that would make him sharply laugh while his heart cried.

He wanted to. Confess. But to break this happiness and the chances of everything crumbling down into nothing was too big? Too scary. Things might lead to uncomfortableness and even revulsion should things fall through. And he felt like he could not bear it if it did fall through.

A shove to his side made him stumble at his steps, but a pair of thin, delicate hands quickly righted him, as if in apology. “What the fuck Seokmin, you look like you are about to sleep while walking? Or something like that? Stop thinking about your papers for fuck’s sake, that is so depressing!” Minghao carefully held him by the shoulder in support, even though his face looked like he was seriously thinking of decking him. His tank top had crept up when he moved, exposing a sliver of skin by his waist, and he felt his brain blank out in a flash.

“Seriously, are you okay? Are your exams and papers too much? Maybe you should skip classes tomorrow before your exam to sneak in sleep and more time for studying? Or maybe – “

Before he could even think at his own actions, Seokmin moved to hug Minghao right there and then. In the middle of the sidewalk. He slotted his head on the other’s collarbone, hiding his face. Hao tried to move and squirm from his hold, then gave up after a few seconds. He moved and awkwardly patted his head as if petting an over cuddly puppy and Seokmin wanted to sob right there and then with how adorable Minghao was being. He knew that Hao hated it before, his sudden hugs and occasional breakdowns, but years of being subjected to it made him learn to just put up with Seokmin’s sudden bursts of touchy affection.

“What is it this time. You look like anything can blow you over. Is this about that girl again-“?

“No. It’s… just no.”

“… good to know that that tongue still works, I feel like I supplied the conversation for the whole damn night,” Hao said with a dry chuckle. The laugh jostled him off his position, but Seokmin immediately moved to reslot himself back to the other’s collarbone. He felt the deep exhale that Minghao did, and he wanted to burrow himself deeper, to never move and to never be away from Minghao. The other probably sensed his thoughts and moved his hand and proceeded to lightly hug Seokmin back, looping his arms right below the other’s shoulders.

Seokmin could only imagine what they looked like to the other passersby. They were after all hugging each other, touching and seemed like a couple in a public space, sharing a soft moment of affection. The thought further shatters him, making him weaken his hold of Minghao. He was too clingy, too much, Minghao was probably suffering and so tired of his bullshit. He needed to stop.

Or maybe, just maybe make his feelings be known? So that he can do this and be allowed to do it, to hold him and be allowed to be with him, and…

“I think… I think I’m just having a withdrawal. Or something. Or –“

By now, the choice of words should have made Minghao shake him off with all his might, asking several words a second what the withdrawal meant, was he taking drugs? Is he doing something stupid and all those panicked mother hen sort of questions, but to his surprise, the other says nothing, and the only thing that tells him that the other was listening was by a sudden tightness of the Minghao’s hold.

“I don’t mean drug withdrawal before you think anything like that, but I don’t know why not but yeah not this time, no this isn’t about drugs but rather… I don’t know.”

“it’s just that, there is this person.”

He moves his face away from the other’s neck and steps away slowly. He could not bear to look at Minghao in the eye for this part.

He did a deep inhale to center himself, which was a bad thing because he is suddenly caught a whiff of Minghao’s perfume, and how it was his gift for the other last Christmas. How he didn’t notice that while he was literally clinging to Minghao a while ago was crazy, but at that moment, the scent pushes him to start talking, like a sudden burst of courage.

“Their presence really makes me the happiest, their smile is the prettiest thing for me, hell even the way fight me when they feel a bit too much and too strung up is endearing to me.” He says, words spilling out like a dam finally opened after a bout of long rain.

” Everything. They are so beautiful, so precious and I want to be with them. Every second, as long as they’ll have me and want for me.”

“Even when they don’t want me, I feel like I will still stay by the edges, hoping for them to ask for me, to remember my presence and take me back. Any crumb of affection, of love, anything, I’m willing to take as long as it’s them.” He heaved, tears now falling in abandon at the rush of it all. He didn’t even know why he was crying, but it felt fitting for the moment.

A heavy pause comes after, and he still does not move his eyes from the ground.

“Oh wow. Buddy, that’s a lot.” Seokmin grimaced at the term, Minghao’s endearment to him stabbing at him. He knows he meant well, but the sheer slap of being friend zoned at that moment closed the gates of the dam, as if it was never opened. ”Lucky person, and you never know unless you shoot your shot. Maybe they’ll like you too with enough effort!” Minghao laughed before continuing. “You bastard, all this time, I thought it was something serious, like your pet bird dying because your family forgot to feed it or something, or missing out on something really important, but it's literally of you falling in love!”

“The baby has grown, I’m so proud of you…” Minghao playfully grabbed at his face, still gentle, squeezing his cheeks, and cooed at the tear tracks, like what he was doing was so adorable. The noise in Seokmin’s brain amplified.

“Will you still be proud if I tell you it’s you?”

The hand that held his face falters with their soft kneading, and it falls to his side. Seokmin finally looked up from the ground and stared at Hao, and he knew that the other can finally properly see his state, his tears, and just how serious he was. A big part of him wanted Minghao to push him away, to laugh it off, to treat the past few minutes as a joke, anything to halt this mouth of his on its tracks.

“What.” Minghao looked at him incredulously, finally putting a bit of distance between them. Seeing the tiny distance hurt, but it was better than Hao running for the hills. 

“It’s you, you are the one I like.” The silence was deafening, even the crickets seemed to have stopped to witness his heartbreak. Seokmin still stared at Hao dead in the eyes, something that he never did, never gave himself to do, for the fear of being so transparent. The shock in Minghao’s face grew, and every passing second kills the hope in him, till it lies blue.

“… will you let me?” The last vestiges of the fire pushes. “Will you let me shoot my shot with you?”

Minghao looked away from him finally and stared at somewhere. The panic and the reality of everything suddenly dawned on Seokmin, and he just wanted to run.

But every cell in his body stayed locked. It knew better than his mind that this was now or never.

But what if Minghao hates him for this? That was much worse than Mingahao hating him, or laughing at him for his stupidity of falling, for being so so naive for thinking that there may even be something. Just stupid stupid stupid –

A hand moved to slowly hold his wrist, circling it lightly and that jolted him out of his panic.

“Let me think about it, Seokkie.”


	3. Ghost of You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, comments and kudos are much appreciated! (Please be proud of me updating for the second time in the same month *cries*)

He’d been staring at the ceiling for what felt like minutes now. But the cheap digital clock by his bed reads 4:13 am.

Minghao tried to breathe deep, tried to pull re-centering thoughts into his brain. He even tried listening to meditation tracks and routines a while ago to focus.

But nothing.

_Try try try. And for what really._

He slowly shifted under the heavy blankets that he mounded over him. It wrapped around him comfortably, the pillows that surrounded him making him feel that he was swaddled like a damn baby, which was exactly what he needed.

He knew that he should be finishing his 2 pending plates, due much much later in the same day. But nothing. Nothing could move his hand, nothing gave his mind the boost to finish it. Even the idea of underperforming and of not meeting the most basic of standards made him feel nothing.

Minghao felt like a sponge soaking with so much water, sitting on the counter heavy but unmoving.

He spies Seokmin’s bright yellow sweater in the corner of his eye, draped over his desk chair and he closes his eyes tightly at the sight.

Seokmin, Lee Seokmin. Shining, pretty and pure Seokmin.

He saw that man as his crutch in the world, his vital piece. He adored how the other could bring in so much happiness in a room with a careless smile and his full-bodied laughter. He meant so much to him, and he knew the other felt the same way. But he didn’t that the other felt the same way and so so much more… well until now.

He could still remember how they met and how stupidly adorable it was. He had been practicing his dancing in secret outside his classroom back in middle school, the afternoon lights casting his shadows to the walls. His other classmates had been slowly leaving for home at that time, their families picking them up. He had stared at their departing figures then, so consumed by young jealousy and sadness that he did not understand in full. Yet.

So, he kept to himself and danced to a song in his mother tongue, his body moving angrily even though the song was mellow and slow. One particularly hard kick sent his loose left shoe flying out into the window followed by a loud yell.

Seokmin came into his life then, holding his hurt arm, in tears but laughing at the situation. He still remembered what he wore then, a red and all too new sweater that looked like a throat hazard with how tight it was by the neck. He was babbling about how it felt like the heavens opened and he became a prince holding a ratty sneaker, instead of the glass one that Cinderella had. In true ‘princely fashion’, he knelt and put it said shoe on Minghao the second he careened outside, scared out of his wits that a parent was going to deck him for hurting in their child, his teary and stilted Korean-Mandarin speech all ready at the tip of his tongue.

Everything clicked into place. Suddenly, he did not need and want for family to pick him up after school because he had gained someone to walk with him home. He gained a friend who apparently lived in the same apartment complex, who took his constant silence and filled it with mindless chatter and stories about his older sister and their mother’s latest disastrous recipes. He took him in, holding his wrist in a lose hold always, as they walked home, the weight and swing of their hands comforting. And he looked at him wide-eyed as every time he spoke as if his words were special and deserved full attention.

He felt a shift come high school in their friendship. By then, he remembered that he had outgrown his soft spoken and careful Korean speech, finally speaking his mind in all its sharpness. And as he grew comfortable in his own skin, Seokmin stayed, as always. The glances started then, too heavy for their age, with intent and hooded with unspoken emotions. They would be gone once their eyes fully met, turning the same sunny smile that had saved him too many times, but it would always shift back to those glances.

So that was what all that was. Seokmin liked him.

He thought his body would betray him then and whisper a no to the whole situation. That he could not bring Seokmin and his pureness into his overthinking mess. That he could not ruin such a heartfelt and strong confession.

Because though he had dreamed multiple times of shy and soft touches, of full-bodied laughter and tanned skin that felt warm and comfortable to touch, it wasn’t Seokmin’s.

It was his roommate that ran their vacuum at the 3 in the morning, most especially during exam periods to destress and to have that elusive semblance of control. Who overcook their meals, resulting to a week straight of consuming chicken teriyaki back in their junior year of college. Who had sobbed and cried in Minghao’s arms to the news that his younger sister now dated someone and blurted out broken speeches of kicking the guy in the shins if ever he did break her heart. Who saw a kitten left in a box in the middle of winter and promptly smuggled it into their dorm, fuck all the rules.

It was Mingyu and his whiny laughter and his canine teeth and lips that Minghao wanted to take in his own.

It felt so wrong to realize all this now, his deep infatuation for another person when someone literally just gave out their heart to him on a silver platter. It felt like cheating. He felt so ungrateful and dirty and just ultimately lost. 

But it does not erase how much seeing Mingyu smile and hearing his voice first thing in the morning always feels like home.


	4. ILYSB

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last one, and I'm not excited.

Minghao shivers at feeling the store’s air conditioning hitting him right at the nape as he moves to help Seokmin in another black sweater. He sees the blush that graces the other's face when his hand touches his bare and tanned hip at the attempt. He couldn’t stop the laugh that bubbles out of him at the look that Seokmin gives him, a cute and blushy look that borders heated and turned on.

“Were you always like this? Seriously, you act like I haven’t hugged you while we were both topless on the beach,” he laughs, playfully hitting the other in the arm.

Seokmin shakes his head, arranging the sweater this time on his own and looks at his own reflection in the store’s mirror shyly, probably surprised at the fact that the sweater hugs at his arms form-fittingly while still giving an innocent vibe. The motion makes his hair more fluffed out, and Minghao stops himself from reaching out and giving his head a pat. He already knows that the salesperson was already giving them knowing and cute looks, probably thinking that they were a couple.

And he knows that Seokmin loves it. Makes him more touchy-feely in fact, as if feeding off their energy. He had already held his hand in the escalator a while ago while they went around the mall, grinning at the looks that a young girl was giving to them. Minghao laughs at being treated like a trophy boyfriend, but also feeling happy to see Seokmin this giggly happy, letting the other’s happiness influence his mood too.

“What do you think?” Seokmin poses at the mirror, bringing his arm up and doing a mock Hercules move, and Minghao’s mouth goes dry with how the move highlights Seokmin’s muscles, his wide shoulders, and his tapered waist. He gives him several appreciative once-overs and internally curses the sweater for being a skin type and form-fitting one instead of being fluffy ones that Seokmin absolutely adores. Was this man trying to prove something really? Send him to an early heart attack? Pop a very bad boner maybe?

Seokmin moves to face his back to the mirror, and this time flexes his back muscles. He gives him a glance that was joking pervy and he really wanted to whop his ass right there and then.

“Looks good, you look like a very young DILF if that’s what you are going for,” Minghao wiggles his eyebrows suggestively at him, moving closer to hold his shoulders. He could hear the gulp that Seokmin makes at the move, and the power of bringing him this way, of seeing this happy and flirty at all the interaction rushes to his head. The power of turning him like this is so so heady and delicious.

“You think I should buy it?” Seokmin asks deeply, the ‘it’ word dropping low as if propositioning for something else.

But Minghao hears nothing at that point because that was the moment that he sees Mingyu in the same mirror as he passes through that store. And he was holding hands with another guy and looking so blissfully in love.

* * *

Seokmin stares worriedly at Minghao’s pale face while they shopped for food in the grocery, and he almost wants to pry the others very tight hold at the cart handle and tell him to relax. He had been silent since they bought his sweater, the mood shifting from happy and shy flirty into dragging and heavy silence. He didn’t see what Minghao saw to have that shift, but he felt it immediately and saw it in the tick of his jaw and the very obvious line of stress by the way he held his shoulders like if he unclenched any part of him, everything would break down.

“Hao? Hao what’s wrong…” he says, carefully moving to Minghao’s side and hoping not to startle him. The move makes the stress in the other more apparent if anything and Seokmin almost wants to yeet himself off in stress too. He really hates the feeling of helplessness, most especially when it revolved around Minghao.

“Nothing,” the other says tersely, biting the words out.

“If it’s nothing, then why do you look like you want to square up with the ice cream cone standee?”

“It looks so fucking stupid.” The line of stress relaxes a bit.

“You say that with everything,” Seokmin laughs at this, moving to hug at the ice cream cone standee. It was a drawing of an ice cream cone character, and his own navy-blue sweater matched the mascot’s color scheme. He smiles widely at Hao upon realizing this, pointing to the standee and himself. “Look we match! It’s so so so cute! Come on, take a picture of us!” He hears Minghao finally laugh upon hearing this, albeit it being a tired one, but a laugh nonetheless. The line of stress bleeds off till only his tight hold and the cart handle remain to show his tension and Seokmin mentally pats himself and sighs at the improvement.

“Now, you can’t say that we look stupid because we both match and YOU can’t call ME stupid.” He makes an overexaggerated aegyo heart move, mirroring the mascot. He knows Minghao is secretly weak to gestures like this, and this time a full-bodied laugh leaves him.

He always hated feeling helpless with Minghao, because the other always preferred to keep his emotions and problems to himself until its too late, until the only choice is to burst from all the emotions and stress. It was never a pretty sight, and in all his life of knowing Minghao, it only happened twice. Both ended with Minghao having a weeklong fever after from the sheer stress of his body not being able to take it. So yes, anything to make the other happy and forget things even for a little while. And he would stay by the edges again in the hopes that the other would tell him.

The mood was quiet this time, and almost soft, thoughtful. Seokmin looks around for more things to point out to Hao, even mentally preparing a silly joke, when he spies a couple in the fruit aisle, giggling and looking very happy as they weighed out several oranges. They look like they were shooting out an advert with the level of happy and domestic they were in, sneaking in soft touches and glances that were playful and just cute. It looks so good on them, and his heart clenches at the picture they were painting.

He sees the guy take the other guy by the strings of his hoodie and moves to give the other an eskimo kiss. The hoodie guy giggles at the move, his blonde hair moving excitedly.

“Yah, Wonwoo we are in public, you bastard!”

“You act like you don’t like it Kwannie” the other laughs, giving his boyfriend a quick kiss on the cheek and proceeds to speed off, the other following him while holding the bag of oranges like he was about to whip them around like a cowboy lasso and hit him with it.

“That’s so cute.”

He startles out from his own cloud of loathing at what Minghao said, looking at him incredulously. The other had now moved farther away from him, looking mindlessly at the ramen discount bundles.

“That could be us you know.”

Minghao’s hand stops from reaching for a pile and giving him a shocked look. Seokmin hides his shaking hands into his coat and tries to give the other a confident look that probably looked constipated rather than flirty. “That could be us if you’d let me.”

“Maybe we could be as happy as them too if you allowed yourself to fall for me… maybe?”

He takes the other’s stillness as a sign that he was listening.

“You already know how much I like you right?” Minghao looks at him straight in the eye at this and makes the tiniest of nods.

"Everything seems simpler and more happy with you. I know-, um I know I'm kind of rushing all of this but I would just like to ask where do we stand?"

“I know I asked you last Christmas, wait – nevermind I make it seem like that was ages ago, but you get what I mean right? I’m just asking just in case you forgot, or just – “

“No what in the hell, of course, I remember Seok-ah,” Minghao says with a dry laugh. He turns away from him and moves further in the aisle, but then suddenly whips his whole body to face him, as if waiting for something.

“So… have you thought about it?”

This time, he hears a wobbly and choked-up exhale from Hao as he stares at Seokmin unseeingly. They were standing in the middle of the cereal aisle of the grocery, and nearby, an old woman was giving his son a lecture on the evils of sugar and fake advertising.

Overhead, the grocery's sound system suddenly announces that it was 15 minutes till the store's closing time, yet still, Minghao stays rooted on the spot. It’s been getting concerning by the second, really.

Seokmin wants to approach him, hug his best friend and laugh his question off as a joke, but a part of him needs the answer. He has been needing the answer since Christmas when he last broached the subject. When they last hugged and when Seokmin last felt like he could conquer the world and actually have his first love.

"There is no we."

“There is no we … because I can’t Seokmin. I see you as a brother. I see you as my best friend, I see you as my special person but I can’t even bring myself to see you that way.”

“And also, I’m in love with someone else, even though they don’t like me, and probably never will, and I guess that’s just karma for me putting you through all this shitshow but this,” Minghao says, looking teary-eyed and waving his shaky hands to everything,” this can’t be. I won’t allow myself to put you into more shit by forcing yourself and trying so hard for me, because I know you will, I know that you’ll say that you’ll try to make me see you that way, but I’ll save your effort and time which should be directed to someone more deserving of you.”

“I love you, I really really really love you, but not like this.”

* * *

He doesn’t remember the uber ride to the bar. But he remembers in the haze of it all that he had called Soonyoung from speed dial and started to make inhuman noises of pain that was only greeted by shouts in increasingly panicked tones.

Soonyoung looks at his date shirt that was too clean and preppy for the bar, at the coat that was slung at his shoulder like a tired man who went through shit and gives him a hug right there and then. He remembers telling himself to cry, but the weight in his chest keeps his mouth shut, and his movements sluggish. Soonyoung leads him inside, seating him at a table in one of the corners of the bar to make sure that he had his back to the wall, to make him feel safe, and moved to get him their drinks.

He remembers downing a whole bottle of soju without anything, and Soonyoung yelling at him for doing something so stupid on an empty stomach. “You didn’t even eat breakfast back in the dorms, nono, don’t lie to me. I cooked you that soup but it didn’t even get touched shut up.”

He feels the alcohol going back up his throat and his panicked glance to Soonyoung makes the other race to the main bar place to look for anything for him to eat, the high prices be damned.

He remembers trying to distract himself, his hand moving slowly while holding the bottle in a drunken embrace, and stares at a beautiful couple on the dance floor, the blonde one’s back to him. Even drunk and stupid, he sees their muscular lines and figures, and how sharp the brunette guy’s eyes looked initially but softened as the blonde touches his forehead and neck in a very loving and domestic manner that didn’t fit the club scene at all. Like they were in too deep and so so in love, so strong to be showing such affection and shit in a fucking club of all places.

So rude. Right in front of his broken heart really? So so fucking rude.

He doesn’t remember standing up, but he remembers somehow getting offered a shot of alcohol and suddenly being face to face with the blonde one.

And by God, it was so so unfair. He was so pretty, with cat-shaped eyes and expertly tousled hair and strong hands that held him up by the arm to right him when he almost stumbles.

“God really plays fucking favorites, how the hell are you this pretty”, he mumbles at the other’s nape and stumbling backward to get another drunken look at the other’s face. “Like how? You have no business looking this perfect, fuck.”

The blonde laughs, eyeing him in his state but still giving him a kind smile. “Thank you buddy, are you doing okay? Shouldn’t you be sitti-“

“Nonononononono, shhhh. Don’t call me that. He called me that and it hurts.” He moves his finger sluggishly to the blonde’s mouth to make him stop.

The blonde only laughs good-naturedly, as if he had all the time in the world to spark a conversation with a drunk. He sees him looking at him from head to toe, giving his chest and shoulders a couple of long looks and he almost blushes and wilts at the same time.

“Are you re-really checking me out? My eyes are up here Mr., not on my tits!”

“… well that, and I’m also wondering why in the hell are you wearing a perfectly starched polo to a club?” the other says judgingly, leading him to one of the tables by the dance floor and making him sit.

“And kind too? And gentlemanly? What, seriously are you trying to cover my whole ass list with checks?”

“They don’t call me gentle-sexy for nothing I guess,” he hears the other murmur, and he stares questioningly as the other calls for a waiter for a glass of water.

Him being seated and somewhat stable gives him more time to stare at the other more properly, again noting the wide width of his shoulders and how his wrists were so delicate looking yet manly.

So much like Minghao’s, his brain supplies unhelpfully, and he curses at himself.

Looking again, he forces his gaze back to the other’s hands and sees a ring on his pinky and gets reminded of the previous thing that happened.

“Saw you with your boyfriend a while ago,” he says, nodding to the ring.

“You guys look really good like you’ve got it all.” Seokmin forces himself to swallow other words of loathing and his wanting to yell at the unfairness of it all. The blonde only stares at him in the eye carefully this time, prodding the glass of water wordlessly to him, which he drinks.

He starts again. “Please don’t let him go okay? If you go through shit, just remember that at least you guys found each other. Also, the audacity of both of you pulling such a romantic fucking move and all that forehead touching in a club? You both have the balls huh, but yeah, just keep it on the down-low so that the broken-hearted don’t cry.”

“Okay Mr. Gentle-sexy, it was nice talking to you but I’m gonna go to the bathroom now to throw up but keep up the good job.” This time, he doesn’t wait for a reply, and Seokmin makes himself smile extra widely at the other before waving bye and tottering off to the bathroom.

He remembers a surprised and sharp laugh from the cute guy and feels a set of strong hands holding him by the waist this time before blacking out. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Um, there there, I guess it's done. Finally. After months of dragging it and worrying about this thing, it's finished. 
> 
> Will you look at that, my first multi-chaptered fic done!
> 
> This is just a preview thingie for the SeokSoo and ________Hao fic that I'm writing soon, I think. I really am bad with accomplishing self-created deadlines, but it'll be added to this series soon. Idk how soon is soon but yeah. 
> 
> Let me know your thoughts?


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